Things that go bump in the night.
Have you ever been utterly terrified by things that go bump in the night? It might be a ghost, a monster or an intruder. Who's to say? There are things out there that we can't fully explain and when we don't fully understand them they can scare us.
When I think about books, those I don’t understand scare me the most.
Mind you, I am the girl who can read Fifty Shades of Gray in the middle of an airport. So, not much scares me when it comes to smut.
When I thought about this, I remembered that one of my best friends, Emily, texted me seven months ago about a book called Why Cheese? The first cheese-shifter romance by Ellen Mint, a book about sentient cheeses.
This made me realize that there was a sub-genre of smut, sentient object ie. paranormal smut, I did not understand and this terrified me.
So, this being a month to read things that unsettle or scare us, I compiled a short list of this sub-genre and set out to see what was really creeping around walls and hiding under beds.
Here are the books: Emily's pick, Why Cheese?: The first cheese-shifter romance, Jessie's pick, Pounded by Produce: A Veggie Love Tale, TikTok's pick Forked, Spooned, and Knifed: Lighthearted Utensil Romances, and Unhinged: An Erotic Door Romance.
I could tell you these books were bat shit crazy, and to a certain extent they absolutely were. However - more shockingly - these books were fun! I think what I enjoyed most about them was that they were wild, bizarre, and yet, they still made sense.
First of all, funny is funny. These books all had a refreshing and silly voice. Whether the characters were fully aware of the ridiculousness of the circumstances or whether the author was just leaning into the silliness of the story with every pun known to man, these books were all hilarious!
I also found myself sucked into the absurdity of the plot. What do you mean, an old lady curses two priests, turning them into vegetables and giving their produce form undeniable riz so the new chef can’t help herself but use them to get off???!!! What do you mean, the government trapped a bunch of super soldiers in the bodies of utensils???!!! What do you mean, Zeus had sex with a tree and now a door has life???!!! How have there been four men trapped in the basement of an uncle's cheese store for twenty years????? WHAT DO YOU MEAN??? I have to admit, I was hooked! I was only planning to read one of the utensil books but I was so sucked in that I had to find out what happened next!
At the end of the day, I think the part that shocked me the most was that I actually understood these books.
See, here’s the thing, we will always be attracted to the same things: the feeling of safety and peace, the feeling of being loved and desired, and the feeling of joy and connection. So, in this imaginary world, if you can find someone who makes you feel all those things then yeah, you are probably going to fall in love with them. Whether that person happens to be a WW II super soldier sometimes trapped in the body of a spoon, or a Lord from the medieval times who happens to be a cheese during the day, then so be it. They can still be a perfect fit. I just call that an adventure!
The more I read these stories, the less I feared them. And I realized the things that went bump in the night were just that; people bumping away, finding their joy.
Book Reviews:
Rating system: (this is based on price, just try and come between me and my kindle)
⭐️Library, ⭐️⭐️kindle, ⭐️⭐️⭐️paperback, ⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️hard cover,
⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️ special edition
Spice level:
🌶️🌶️🌶️🌶️🌶️ Oh my God, I didn’t know you could do that!
🌶️🌶️🌶️🌶️ Not suitable to read at work
🌶️🌶️🌶️Good Lord!
🌶️🌶️HOT
🌶️ hot
FMC= Female main Character and MMC= Male Main Character
Pounded by Produce: A Veggie Love Tale by G.M. Fairy 🌶️🌶️🌶️🌶️
Here is the thing: when the cover of a book suggestively displays a massive cucumber and two tomatoes, you have a feeling that you know what you are in for. WRONG! Instead of staying with a down-trodden girl who was looking for a new start, in chapter 3 we are introduced to Father Robert and Father Lurant, the two young, hot priests running a small, rural parish that introduce a surprising twist! What happens next is hard to explain but let’s just say there is a witch, a curse, and some vegetable fondling. It's a happily ever after novella that I liked way more than I want to admit. It was whimsical, self aware, and overall entertaining. Let’s just say, I can never look at a cucumber tomato salad in the same way again…!
⭐️⭐️⭐️
Unhinged: An Erotic Door Romance by Vera Valentine 🌶️🌶️🌶️🌶️
I heard the words “She fucks a door.” and I said: “Come again?" and the response was, “No! Cum again.” I have no idea how to explain this book but basically the main character’s door comes to life to save her from her creepy landlord. You may be asking: “Ok, but is he a door or is he a man?” Well, from what I have gathered from most of these sentient object books is that as long as the heroine gets intimate with the object, that object can then turn into a sexy lover (obviously). The undertones of Law & Order SVU were surprising but I was along for the ride.
⭐️⭐️⭐️
Spooned: A lighthearted Utensil Romance (Book 2) by Ruth Cardello
🌶️🌶️🌶️
When I started Spooned I did not realize it was reading book 2 of a series. Apparently, I had missed Forked. I didn’t really think it would be that big of a deal. And honestly, I could still follow along just fine. But the crazy thing about this book was that I absolutely devoured it. This is not your regular sentient object book. No. This is a book series about WW II super soldiers who were mysteriously turned into cutlery. There is a very sweet and tender love story at the core of this book, in addition to being packed with spice. But honestly, while I really liked the main characters, Cheryl and Jack, I was a bit more interested in the fact that the government made a squad of super soldiers from men with disabilities to stop the atomic bomb. Yeah, that's entertaining! So naturally, I had to read book 3!
⭐️⭐️⭐️
Knifed: A lighthearted Utensil Romance (Book 3) by Ruth Cardello
🌶️🌶️🌶️
Again, I really liked the love story between Ray and Ashely, but the plot twists that Ray added to the cutlery mystery were what really grabbed me! And yes, their love story was cool because they could actually read each other's minds, which was objectively awesome and this led to some lovely conversations about love and belonging but, Ray's pivotal role in the moment that turned the men into cutlery was the real show stopper! And there was no greater moment than when I got to the last page of Knifed, thinking it was the end of the story and I learned there was one more: a Why Choose romance between Ashley's mother and three of the utensils!!! Needless to say, I will be continuing on with the series, and Ruth Cardello has a new fan. ⭐️⭐️⭐️
Why Cheese: A Cheese Shifter Romance by Ellen Mint🌶️🌶️🌶️
Sooooooo, this book is about a girl who inherits her uncle's cheese store and during her first evening at the store finds four naked men living in the basement. These men are cheeses by day, men by night. It's a Night at the Museum, why choose (cheese version) romance. Just let that sink in for a moment! This book is by far the silliest book I have read this month. Mint added a ton of humor to this story. Every other line is a pun or a joke. This book really does feel like a children’s book for the 18+. Because even the sex is riddled with cheese jokes. It's a silly, goofy read that is cheesy in the best way!⭐️⭐️⭐️
